I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
