her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
