Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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