I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
