Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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