Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
