I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
