I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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