someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
