You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
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In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
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I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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