You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
