I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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