Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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