Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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