She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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