I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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