life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
