"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
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I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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