Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
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His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
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I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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