I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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