so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
