Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
