Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
