chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
