im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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