It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
