I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize