if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
