the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
