so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
