I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
