Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
