he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
