Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
