Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
