I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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