Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
