remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
