just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
