THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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