Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
