John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
