I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.