Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
