I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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