Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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