Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
