i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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