Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
