It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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