mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
