Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
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How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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