just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
