i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
