you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
